This world at time feels like it has me pinned to the ground mother. I remember when you were still here I would always run to you for comfort. Now that you are gone your memories are the only thing I have to hold on to. They just don't seem to give me the comfort of sitting down and actually chatting with you. Our bond was a strong one. It was hard to watch you slowly die after your stroke. You weren't the same person anymore. I had to watch you die several years before you actually did. It became hard to visit that nursing home. It broke me inside more then you'll ever know. The person I came to visit just wasn't my mother anymore. The balance of nature and time was taking whom you were and replacing it with a broken down shell of a person that once was. Your spirit was still there though. I built a wall around that pain and tried to hide it from the world. Having me at the age of forty-four it feels like I always was scared you would be gone in a blink of an eye. You chained smoked like a chimney and ate the unhealthiest food known to man. You would never sit down and always felt like there was another task you had to complete. Rest was something you didn't know much about. I don't think your death has fully hit me yet. I remember when I was driving back to Michigan to attend your funeral, planning my brief stay there I was trying to work some time into visiting you. Then it hit me. You were gone. There were no more visits. Our time together was over on this world.
This world isn't the same without a rarity of a person like you mother. If most people had gauged you from your outside you would have looked nothing more then an uneducated hillbilly. You didn't understand much of the modern world you left but what you did understand was much more important. You were knowledgeable of love and God. You knew the Bible inside out. You spoke the world of God without fear and showed the love of Jesus. You gave your time and sacrificed for others. You prayed for the weak and fed the hungry. You never wanting anything of value and if you did receive something you wouldn't hesitate to give it to another. What a blessing you were to this world. How blessed I was to have someone like you to call my mother.
I regret what a child I was to you at times. You spoiled the hell out of me and gave me anything I wanted. Sometimes it took a fit to get it but you would eventually give in. I'm sorry. I know you blamed yourself for spoiling me but having me in a later age and having a son of my own, I understand why you did. It was hard being a teenager around you. I had so many questions and so much rage with no answers. The only answer you gave me to fix anything was to give it to God. I hated that answer. To me it never solved anything or made anything better. I didn't start understanding your answer until my later twenties. All those seeds you planted in me when I was younger finally started sprouting. I matured with your teachings and love. You taught me when you love you break no commandment. You taught me to be strong and proud of who I am. I learn from you not to hate anybody especially for his or her color, social status or ideas. You taught me to embrace my emotions rather then to hide them away. With your words I found the meaning of forgiveness. I found that peace you had with the word of God. When you died you didn't leave me money or high priced materials things. What you left me was worth much more then this world has to offer. You left me your spirit. That strong spirit you built up over your years. Those seeds have now grown into a vigorous tree that cannot be uprooted. It is not done growing though. Each day I get stronger knowing I inherited that fire you had inside. Again I thank you Mother, for everything you've given me. I couldn't have asked for more.
One of my favorite stories you use to tell me was the time we were walking down this beaten dirt path in Florida. You said I was around the age of three and I looked up at you and said, "Mom my love for you is like the universe, it never stops growing." You were amazed by this because you said you didn't even know I knew what a universe was. Now having your grandchild I see that amazement you saw in me. Having Aiden I now understand the love of a parent. That special love you had for me. How you would sacrifice anything to make sure my needs were met. Watching Aiden is like looking through your eyes at me when I was a child. How blessed I am to experience that. My love for him was tested when God made me choose between him and you. God finally opened that door for me to be with my son again four hundred miles away. That meant leaving you in your broken down condition. I chose him. The reason being is because I know you would have done the same things for me. I was down here in Missouri four months when you passed away. I remember leaving you the last day I saw you. I tried to make saying goodbye movie like. I tried to put together the perfect words because I knew this may be the last time I saw you and it was. The only thing I could say was "I love you." Those were the last words I said to you. I would have liked that day to have been a little more special but I think what I said pretty much summed up you and me. Love.
Now I write this letter seven months after your death. I feel like this new state I live in has changed me and I've forgotten who I use to be. Sometimes I have to pull up memories of you and me to remember my past self. I know sometimes the world will beat me down and there will be days where it feels like no hope is left. I want you to know that is your memories and teaching that keep me fighting this bitter world. Because of you and your love I will not be defeated by it. Your death hasn't caused me sadness; just missing you has made me shed these tears. I know you’re where you were meant to be. Heaven was made for somebody like you. I know one day I will see you again. I do not fear death because I do not question what comes after it. Until then Mother I will continue to spread your message. That message is the one of love, peace, and the word of God. Through me your spirit will be carried on. I love you mother. I love you like the universe, it never stops growing. Now that we are a universe apart, I feel you closer then ever. This world just isn't the same without somebody like you.